Deadly Desperation

By Robin Caldwell

She had known him for two months when she allowed him to move into the rented house she shared with her two small children. On the surface, he was everything she ever hoped for, and everything she felt she needed. He was handsome and charming, which accounted for the initial attraction. Only God knows what else connected her to this man, but with a little imagination we could figure it out.

The police were dispatched to the woman’s house; responding to a call from worried co‑workers. Unfortunately, the landlord opened the door, and that’s when she was discovered dead – murdered by the man she met two months earlier. She was a registered nurse and the mother of two small children robbed of continued service and the love of her kids. With the same gun he used to murder her, he delivered another fatal shot, and killed himself.

I have seen a lot of murders like this in my life. One Sunday morning as a child I was awakened to the news that my beloved babysitter, Mary, had been shot and killed by her husband who had also killed himself. A few years later, I would learn that my cousin’s best friend’s dismembered body was found buried in the front yard of the home she shared with her husband – her murderer. There was Kelly, a high school acquaintance who was killed by a jealous ex-boyfriend. Karen, my buddy from middle school, was found dead and stuffed in the trunk of her Mercedes-Benz; her live-in boyfriend was the murderer. And, I recently learned that Joyce, a former neighbor, was strangled to death by the boyfriend she told me was the love of her life.

This latest murder, however, has me really scared and concerned. I am not scared about the possibility of some man killing me or any of my girlfriends. Nope, I’m more scared and concerned about the choices we make as women, especially the choices we make out of desperation that can prove to be deadly to both the body and/or the spirit.

All of the women listed above had no idea that one choice, in some cases, a seemingly innocent choice would lead to their murders. They probably had no clue that a simple decision to hook up with some man would lead to the loss of their lives.

Hardcore sisters would say that those women probably had a clue that the men were violent, but chose to ignore it. Or they would say that those women were stupid and desperate, as if you have to be stupid to be desperate; and that death is a consequence of stupidity. Wrong, so wrong. Almost all of the women I mentioned earlier were educated and had a lot on the ball.

I asked the Lord how to make better choices in men and heard in my spirit, “Don’t be desperate.” Of course, my next request was an explanation of what it meant to be desperate. The dictionary definition stated something about being in a state of hopelessness that leads to rash decisions, or suffering extreme need or anxiety. And one of the last entries read, “Involving extreme danger or possible disaster.”

I asked the Lord if the nurse was desperate for a man, and He let me know that she was not. In fact, in a series of thoughts, the Lord showed me exactly what she was desperate to have and to hold: love and affection—as she knew love and affection. On a day when she was vulnerable and not necessarily feeling desperate but desperate nonetheless, the nurse met the man who would wine and dine her, and charm her into a lair of deception, then ultimately kill her.

The nurse, Kelly, Karen, Joyce and Mary never in a million years thought they’d die at the hands of men they loved. They never thought that the need to be loved and to feel warmth and affection would ever lead them to make a choice that would lead to death. So let’s rule out stupidity, because it would take an awfully brain cell-deprived woman to willfully choose to be with someone they know, in advance, would kill them.
Back in the day, being a desperate woman meant that you were overly aggressive in pursuing a guy, or a tad bit too enthusiastic about receiving male attention. At worst, my personal acts of desperation led me to play snooper blooper and tail a man around town in my car, or call and hang up, or even be just a little too available whenever a certain man called. At my absolute desperate worst, I endured some humiliation and abuse. By the grace of God Almighty, I have been spared great physical, emotional, and spiritual harm. By His grace, my life has been spared.

But even so, I don’t feel special. All it takes is one moment and one man and one decision, and I’m just as capable of choosing the one who’d send me to an early grave. Thus, my fear and concern.

I was thinking that you or I could warn women to stop being desperate but it wouldn’t help, because most don’t know or even acknowledge that they are desperate. Most are in denial. And on any given day, I may be in denial too.

It also wouldn’t help to laden ourselves and our friends with overused clichés, such as “love yourself first,” “if you see crazy coming, cross the street,” and the oversimplified, “let the man pursue you.” Desperate doesn’t mean a woman is chasing a man, it just means that her impetus for being with him is suspect and due to her deeply-rooted desires. Loving yourself means so many different things to different people. And, honestly, crazy is becoming harder and harder to recognize these days; we often think crazy is normal.

The ONLY thing that worked for me and works for me to this day is a dependence on the guidance of God through His Holy Spirit. I’ve asked Him to increase my discernment, quicken my spirit in the presence of trouble, and remove anyone or anything that could potentially do me serious harm. I trust the request, I trust Him, but in the scheme of things, it is me I do not trust. After all, I am fallible, capable of making grievous errors, and extremely short-sighted when it comes to my personal desires, which is why I need Jesus, desperately.

Years ago, after the end of a violent relationship, the Lord spoke to me loud and clear. His Spirit commanded, “How dare you think less of yourself than I think of you!” Clueless, I searched Scripture high and low to find out what He thought of me. It would take years before I could fully grasp the concept of loving myself by His standard and by His example.

That one night impacted my life in an incredible way. In the end, I had but one choice to make and that was to surrender all of my choices to Him, which was easier said than done. There have been many occasions when I have taken that privilege back from God, revoking His headship and lordship over my life. But He doesn’t, thankfully, pay me much attention. And so far He hasn’t totally given me over to my selfish desires.

God knows that I don’t want to be deceived. God says that He would have none deceived.

His Word tells us that we can be deceived when:

• We allow the lusts of our hearts and our fleshly desires to rule our minds and actions.
• We stray from His godly instruction and disobey the laws He has established for holiness.
• We behave as though there is no God.
• We act as though we do not trust or believe God’s Word.
• We trust our choices and decisions without seeking His guidance or direction.
• We use our freewill to do what we want as opposed to what He wants.
• We mistakenly believe He is gifting us with something or someone even when that something or someone opposes His Word.

There are myriad reasons and ways to be deceived. There are as many ways to be deceived as there are women.

The morning after that nurse was found murdered, I prayed on behalf of women worldwide. I asked the Father to increase our discernment, draw us closer, continually teach us His precepts, keep us from harm, and to give us a mechanism that rejects the slightest bit of abuse. The Father reminded me that He has already done all of those things in the work of the Cross and through the sacrifice of His beloved Son, Jesus. And He reminded me that the work of the Holy Spirit is to convict, teach, and warn.

For the first time in my life, my spiritual life, I think I finally understand the verse, “Be anxious (desperate, worried) for nothing and in all things give thanksgiving…” (Philippians 4: 6) I believe I finally understand the wisdom of “seeking first the Kingdom of God and His righteous, and all of these things will be given to you…” (Matthew 6: 33) And, I finally get “every good and perfect gift is from above…” (James 1: 17)

It would be ideal if all women, especially saved women, relied on God’s Word for the encouragement and validation we need to avoid deadly and even dishonoring situations. It would be ideal if we decided to accept God’s ideal of love and affection, and accept both directly from Him without defining it for ourselves.

Suffice it to say, God would not give me a man who’d kill me. He may want to kill me on some days, but he wouldn’t have a murderous heart. That is not a perfect gift. No, that sounds exactly like the type of person we would choose for ourselves out of deadly desperation.